We are rapidly speeding towards 2018, and yet, for some reason, the robot responsible for spawning Calvin Harris still hasn’t been destroyed. Feels blindsided me, just as I was getting used to the idea of summer chart toppers that actually feel summery. Two weeks ago I tempted fate, praising what I thought would be the lasting reign of Wild Thoughts, only to be humiliated when Despacito snatched back the top spot. Even then I wasn’t that upset – Despacito is overplayed but I still enjoy it. Feels, however, feels like being thrown back into the musical wasteland that was 2016.
It’s so boring and devoid of character that it’s borderline offensive to the ears. Calvin Harris pulled some vaguely relevant charting names from a hat and carved this retro pop disaster with all the care and attention of a YouTube playlist algorithm. If you often find yourself thinking that one Bruno Mars isn’t enough, then you’re probably happy that Feels is number one, you sadist. But for the rest of us, it’s just a copy of something that was perfectly good as it was.
Just below at number two is the extremely forgettable Unforgettable by French Montana and Swae Lee. Most of the song appears to have been recorded whilst French Montana held Swae Lee hostage in a swimming pool. The lyrics are boring, the song is lazy and sloppily finished, but I will give it points for having a great music video. It’s incredibly fun and definitely the best thing about the song.
Wild Thoughts and Despacito have both started to slip down, at number three and four respectively, making way for Dua Lipa to get a foothold in the top three. New Rules rounds out the top five this week, up from its last position at number nine. A friend of mine has a theory that someone is conspiring to make Balkan girls hit machines whether they are actually popular or not. See: Dua Lipa (Albanian), Rita Ora (Kosovan), and Bebe Rexha (Albanian/Macedonian). I don’t have anything against any of these artists, I just wonder if we have the need for them, exactly. What does New Rules bring to the table, apart from a chorus that sounds like a scratch in a CD-ROM? New Rules is pretty bland, but I’m happy enough to have it in the charts, she has an interesting voice and brilliant visuals. And hey, who knows? If my friend’s theory is true, I might be in the charts next. I’m from the Balkans too, so obviously it’s my turn.
Out of the rest of the top 100, Demi Lovato is blowing everyone’s head off with Sorry Not Sorry – a genuine pop belter and all around good tune. It’s placed at number fourteen this week, but I expect it to climb a few more places before it peaks. Besides that, I’m still loving Power by Little Mix. It’s been in the charts for eleven weeks and has starting the slow decline but I don’t care, it’s anthemic and the cheesy rap verse is Stormzy, a must for gym playlists everywhere.