Alright Justin, we get it, you’ve changed and you’re a bit better and stuff. Well done. But come on, you’re really killing this column.
In other news, Stormzy has stormed up to Number 8 with what will surely become a timeless classic: Shut Up. “Man try say he’s better than me / Tell my man shut up”, a line surely (not) directed at Bieber.
There’s quite a sad lack of Christmas songs in the Top 10, though I’m sure many will be delighted to hear that. Are people really eating their Christmas dinners to What Do You Mean?, Sorry and Love Yourself? Do your family a favour and have a Stormzy Christmas this year. “Where do you know me from” nan? The highest up a Christmas song has got is Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You, which frankly is a bit of a farce when there are such works as Carly Rae Jepsen’s cover of Last Christmas that aren’t even charting…
Maybe I’ve just been living under a rock, but it seems that Christmas songs are distinctly out of vogue. Hardly any Christmas albums of merit have been released this year, and the only charters are timeless ones like Fairytale of New York. Have people been so dazed by the Biebs that they forgot what month it was? Need a healthy dose of Bublé, I say. Next thing you know they’ll be selling advent calendars that just open up to a picture of Bieber’s face. Or Bieber baubles (that’s got a ring to it). Maybe a little Bieber doll to put on top of the tree. A card that opens up to sing “You should go and love yourself”? I’ll leave it to the experts – he’s certainly surrounded by enough of those.
There’s time to redeem ourselves. Bieber’s hogged the top two spots for so long he’s set a bloody record. I mean, I appreciate a good old boogie to What Do You Mean? as much as the next person but that’s going a bit far, isn’t it? This whole Bieber-fever seems to be some sort of bizarre mass apology. “We’re sorry we didn’t like you when you were younger” (and, let’s not forget, racking up a DUI with resisted arrest on an expired license as well as further charges for dangerous driving and vandalism), “but now that we find your songs a bit catchy we’ve forgiven you!” All the while clambering to his Spotify page to show our remorse by playing Sorry a few more times. Let’s change our tune, literally, and get back into some wholesome Christmas songs.